the Mom-Stuff Community » relationships

Give Meaningful Gifts of Self this Christmas

the mom-team — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 16:09:46 +0000

Studio 5 contributor and licensed therapist Julie Hanks, LCSW shares meaningful gifts of self to give your spouse this Christmas.

The most meaningful Christmas gifts don’t require much money, but do require thought, time, and awareness. Though it’s fun to shop and wrap gifts, we ultimately all wish for the same emotional gifts from our spouse — things that can’t be purchased – gifts of self. We all long for reassurance that we are loved and cherished, for comfort when we are sad or hurt or scared, and for validation that our experience matters to the person we love the most. Even if your husband doesn’t have the words to express these wishes, he longs for the same emotional gifts too. Here are some ideas to get you started thinking less about gifts you can buy and more about gifts you can offer from your heart.

1. Gift of Emotions

Tell your emotional truth

Too often, in an effort not to hurt your spouse’s feelings, you may have stopped expressing the full range of emotions – your hurts, your fears, your anger and your joys, and dreams. “I don’t want to be a nag” or “I ‘m supposed to be nice and happy all of the time” are common phrases I hear in my therapy office as reasons women stop expressing themselves. It’s helpful to consider that intimacy means “into-me-see” or see into me. True intimacy requires a deep level of emotional honesty and the tender expression of a full range of emotions, not just the good, happy, nice ones. Your thoughts, your feelings, and your expression of them are what make you uniquely you.

Ask for what you really want

Sending clear signals about what you need emotionally from your spouse can be difficult. It requires an internal awareness and a willingness to ask deeper questions that go below the surface. Behind every complaint and criticism you have for your spouse is an emotional plea for closeness. Practice going below the complaint and expressing the emotional need directly. Instead of saying, “You always work so much! Are you going to be working until 8PM forever? I’m sick of eating dinner alone.” try saying, “I want to spend more time with you. I’m afraid that I’m not important to you. Can we plan a date night for this weekend?” Trust me. Being direct with your emotional needs is a gift to him.

More gifts of emotion:

Write a handwritten love letter describing in detail what you love your spouse and what they mean to you.

Write an apology of letter or forgiveness for past hurts.

Share your “Bucket List” with your spouse.
2. Gift of Attention

Push the pause button

When is the last time you really listened to your spouse? Do often find that you’re so busy with children, household chores, or other commitments that you rarely look your spouse in the eye and talk? If your conversations with your hubby are while you’re multitasking – unloading the dishwasher or texting or watching TV, you may want to practice “pushing the pause button”. If you’re focused on other things, you’ll miss the meaning behind what your hubby is trying to tell you. Too often couples I see in my practice are so distracted by other activities or so busy reacting from their own intense emotions that they completely bypass the emotional meaning of their spouse’s expression.

Here’s an example of how this might play out in a therapy session. In an effort to reach out to his wife John says, “I really miss you. You’ve been so preoccupied since our son was born. Let’s spend some alone time together.”

Megan responds defensively, “I’m trying to be a good mother. You know this is all new for me. I’m overwhelmed and I’m trying to be there for you – can’t you see that? Megan, flooded by her own emotions missed John’s main message of, “I miss you. I need you” and she heard some version of “You’re not good enough.”

If Megan had “paused” her emotions response and slowed down her reaction enough to hear his emotional message she might have said something like, “Oh, John, you really miss me and want to spend time together. Thank you for reassuring me of that.” Then once John is heard, Megan can share with John how she is feeling about the transition to motherhood. Putting your emotions temporarily on hold and really hearing your spouse is truly a gift.

Learn to speak his love language

Ask your hubby how he feels most loved and learn to be more proficient in his “language”. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, identified distinct categories of how people experience love: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gifts. Couples often give love in their own language instead of in their partner’s language. For example, if your husband’s primary love language is acts of service then make a special home cooked meal, or surprise him by doing all of his household chores. If his language is physical touch, actively approach him for a hug and kiss, hold his hand, sit by him, initiate physical intimacy more often. Offering love in his language will help him feel deeply loved by you.

More gifts of attention:

Ask him about the times he feels most loved and cherished. Take notes and do something from his list every day for a week.

Plan a candlelight dinner, turn off all electronics, and talk.

Plan a playful night of physical intimacy with your spouse.
3. Gift of Memories

Keep track of the good stuff

Do you keep a mental note of your spouse’s failings, or of past hurts or offenses? This year try write your hubby a Christmas letter recounting all of the good times, family milestones, and positive relationship moments. I knew a couple who did this for a few decades now enjoy a beautiful book containing years of personal expressions celebrating their memories of each year, significant family events, and the evolution of their love. To reflect on tender feelings and focus on the positive memories created through the years will validated that your husband is indeed cherished and loved.

Revisit the romance

Often I hear couples complain that they feel more like roommates than lovers.

After the initial infatuation of new relationships has faded, reclaiming and rekindling those romantic feelings takes…effort.

When is the last time you talked with your spouse about early romantic feelings that brought you together, browsed through your wedding photo book, or looked through photos of your favorite vacations? You don’t have to take a trip to the location of your honeymoon or first date to rekindle romance, just take a trip with your hubby down memory lane.

More gifts of memories:

Create a photo book of your favorite memories.

Create a relationship soundtrack CD with a mix of songs that have special meaning to you.

Plan a date to revisit a visiting a romantic location that has special meaning to you as a couple.

Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, licensed therapist and owner & director of Wasatch Family Therapy specializes in women’s emotional health and couples counseling. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.comfor individual, couple, family, & group counseling and education designed to strengthen you and your family. For additional self-improvement & relationship resources connect with me atwww.juliehanks.com

New Resources Articles on mom-stuff.com

the mom-team — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 17:51:20 +0000

Articles to make this the best summer ever at mom-stuff.com

8 Great Tips To Organize Kids’ Rooms http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/300.cfm

Scared of Your Child’s Room? http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/299.cfm

Got friends or family coming to visit? http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/298.cfm

The Cancer of Resentment. http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/297.cfm

Women are Social Media. http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/296.cfm

New Summer Fun Activities on www.Mom-Stuff.com

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Help your girls make some Fancy Flip Flops to match their summer outfits http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/273.cfm

Before you go on your summer vacation checkout our Vacation Scrapbooking Pages Using Souvenirs http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/143.cfm

Rockin Bobbie Pins http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/245.cfm

Summer recipes http://www.mom-stuff.com/public/92.cfm

Promote your mom-stuff affiliate. Post and recommend any of these articles and links to your readers. Always use public links (these are free links) when promoting your mom-stuff affiliate. If you have not signed up for your free affiliate with mom-stuff do it now. It is really easy, just pick your mom-stuff banner linked to your mom-stuff ID, post it on your site. Our system does all of the tracking and you make 50% commissions on all of your friends who join. Then they join and make money from their friends. It is a win/win system. We are keeping the membership fees low so everyone can afford this opportunity. It is less then .30 a day. Mom-Stuff is all about moms helping supporting and educating each other. Please email any article you want to share on Mom-Stuff.com. If you feel that we do not have a category that your information will fit, no worries, we will create one.

Have a wonderful summer with picnics, BBQ’s vacations, and some get family time. Thanks to all of the moms who contributed to our Summer Pages.

The Wrong E-mail address-This is too funny

the mom-team — Wed, 12 May 2010 19:00:40 +0000

THE WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless…A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day…

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Do you Want a Bridge to Hawaii?

the mom-team — Thu, 06 May 2010 18:07:26 +0000

Do you want a bridge to Hawaii or to know how to make a woman happy?

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

God replied, ‘Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘God, I
wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

SOLO dot MOM-Featured Blog of the Week

the mom-team — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 20:51:24 +0000

Our Featured Blog this week is SOLO dot Mom. Kathrine is a single mom with great articles on parenting, dating and personal development. Kathrine has started a webazine titled Single Parenting 101 providing inspiration, encouragement as well as practical tips on parenting. She would like to invite other single parents to jump on board with her. We have really enjoyed getting to know Katherine better this week. Visit her blog and tell her thanks for sharing with our mom-stuff community. We want to share a post with you from her blog. Make sure you click on the links for part1 and part 2.

Oct 16, 2009

List for Newlyweds, Part 3 of 5

Well the list continues from my previous posts on what I wish I had been told before I got married. I hope you are gleaning from these tips. Please feel free to comment and add your own, or provide feedback about these ideas. I would love to hear from you!

5. BECOME PLAYMATES:

(Remember the blog post about Boys and their Toys?) A book was written about this very idea titled, Boys and Their Toys: Understanding Men by Understanding Their Relationship with Gadgets by Bill Adler. It is intended to help women understand men by understanding their need for toys and gadgets.

I have skimmed this book, but plan to read it because it has some great parallels that can open your eyes to understanding personality traits of your man based on what ‘toys’ or gadgets intrigue him and why. Since they need this outlet of “playtime,” playing with your guy can nurture your relationship.

Try taking time out and getting involved with your guy’s favorite toys. Does he like to play video games, for example? Take some time to play the games with him – then he may be more responsive to compromise by giving you some time to communicate with each other.

6. KEEP YOUR IDENTITY:

Even though you are a couple you should continually work on becoming a whole person. It’s true you aren’t single anymore – but you need to keep your identity and continue the process of becoming the person you want to be with.

Don’t say “I have arrived: I am in a relationship so I don’t need to work on knowing who I am as a person anymore,” nor fall into thinking “I have this issue, but my spouse offsets it – he or she completes me.” You should continue to improve upon the person you have become. Continue learning about who you are.

We all have stuff to deal with – owning it (acknowledging it exists) and working through it are still our jobs as individuals. Besides, if you don’t keep your own personal identity in tact – you may be prone to extreme co-dependency which can cause problems for your marriage.

Don’t take that to mean I am advocating self-centeredness or selfish acts. Quite contrary to that notion, I am simply warning you against becoming so dependent upon your spouse that you cannot even go shopping or to do an outing by yourself because your self-worth relies upon that spouse, outside of your control.

In my own experience I was in a marriage with a man who had become not only possessive of me but also obsessed with me. He would not let me go anywhere by myself or have activities with friends on my own; in turn, I became less and less confident that I could do anything alone or have friends. It was a vicious cycle and it took effort to break that cycle in order to be released from it’s grasp.

Please check out the other posts in this series of things I wish I had known when I got married:

List for Newlyweds, Part 1

List for Newlyweds, Part 2

Find yourself… keeping it real.

Katherine at SOLO dot MOM

Photo Credit: http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/2184797/relationship-main_Full.jpg

I love, love, love these post. Follow SOLO dot Mom to get the rest of the relationship scoop. Watch for post 4 and 5 in this series. Thanks to everyone following our Mom-Stuff Blog Tour. Make comments, make tweets, invite friends, tell your friends about how much fun we are having. So far the blogs we have visited on our tour have doubled their traffic. Not bad? If you have a blog and want us to visit, let me know at dianne@mom-stuff.com